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The Cuntsboro Creek Gang is a Red Dead Redemption posse.
About the posse
The settlement of Cuntsboro Creek, Georgia, was originally founded by the crazed preacher Hezekiah Barnyard back in 1767. Forced out of North Carolina during the War of the Regulation, he and his rag-tag band of followers - known locally as the Gash Mountain Brigade - marauded south, leaving a trail of rape, death, and general carnage in their wake. Upon arriving at the peaceful village of Shenton, they put the local populace to the sword and forced the elderly into the sea. The area was seized by Barnyard and his mob, renamed Cuntsboro Creek, and transformed into a glorious haven of violence and debauchery, wherein Barnyard resided as the self-proclaimed Supreme Minister of the Savannah Plain.
His den of inequity would not last however. In 1792, George Washington decided one of his first acts as President would be to wipe the by-now semi-autonomous colony of Cuntsboro Creek off the face of the Earth. Barnyard, by this point as mad as a mongoose, was insistent that his alliance with the Bornu Empire of West Africa would yield naval support, but none was forthcoming. Despite being faced with a 5000 man army (many Continental militia veterans), he bravely gave fight. The siege of Cuntsboro lasted three years, but finally, on October 29th 1795, Barnyard was undone when his Cherokee allies betrayed him and hacked him to death. Cuntsboro Creek was razed to the ground by the US troops - but not before a well-deserved, week-long sack of the town.
Washington was satisfied that Barnyard, and his legendary dwelling, were consigned to history. Yet he had not banked on Barnyard's army of bastards - many deformed and animal-like in appearance - being smuggled out of Cuntsboro at the height of the siege. Those offspring of the Barnyard clan that did not succumb to early death swore revenge on the State and dispersed in pockets across the southern borderlands. Some carved out a miserable existence in cannibal bands, but others sought a more reckless life as bandits. From the early 19th century rumours grew of the Cuntsboro Creek name living on, as towns, ranches and outposts felt the wrath of Hezekiah's maniacal descendants. Shortly before the Civil War, many backed the cause of abolitionist John Brown, but came to ruin at the hands of Robert E. Lee's forces at Charles Town, as J.E.B Stuart's cavalry rode them down to a man. The Cuntsboro Creek name was not heard for many a year from that sad day.
That was, until 1880, when 'Old Man' Clanton and his Cowboys converged on a small backwater town on the Arizona-New Mexico border, near the River Quim. Whilst ravaging the area they came upon a young orphaned boy, named Virgil BarnDoor, who impressed the gang with his plucky attempt to fight Johnny Ringo. Clanton recognized the boy's name as a corruption of the Barnyard eponym, as he had briefly served alongside what he presumed to be the boy's father during the Civil War. The boy seemed oblivious to his heritage, and so the Cowboys agreed to take him under their wing and teach him the art of banditry, all the while regaling him with legends of the Barnyard clan and of Cuntsboro Creek. After the O.K. Corral and Earp Vendetta Ride, BarnDoor remained loyal to Ike Clanton, who began to re-establish The Cowboys with fresh blood shortly before his death in 1887. Ambitious young outlaws were sought, unscrupulous scumbags with no morales or sense of remorse, willing to kill their own families for a bag of silver. The call was answered by some real motley individuals:
- Cornelius 'Jonno' Johnson, a Kansas cattle-rustler and Grand Wizard of the KKK, with 321 lynchings to his name;
- Michael 'Snatch-Brander' Burke, a young ranch-hand from South Dakota and known serial rapist;
- Frank 'Don' Sweey, an Italian immigrant who took the boat to Mexico rather than New York like his compatriots - has an eye for the ladies but always keen for a brawl;
- 'Great' Scott Claiborne, a known miscreant of the Columbia Basin - the brains of the outfit, though he's a furious temper and he'll take sodomy wherever he can get it;
- 'Polski Sklep' Stanislofski, a Polish giant, who, when not out pillaging, makes a living fighting bears and clubbing seals;
- Ezekiel 'Black' Coffee, a Negro train porter who shunned a prestigious college scholarship in favour of a life of sex, violence and death - for obvious reasons he is seeking to kill Jonno the first chance he gets, though is aware that while BarnDoor is around such an action will never be tolerated;
- 'Handsome' Dan Clifton, a one-time Rough Rider and veteran of the Spanish-American War, whose scars and visible limp belie his moniker;
- Rab 'Mullet' Taylor, a roaming Scotsman with a slow mind and quick trigger-finger;
- Miguel 'Miggy' Santiago Ramirez, Mexican revolutionary and associate of Pancho Villa, forced to flee his homeland because it was shit;
- Dale 'Dollars' Chapman, a drunkard and gambler straight out of Wisconsin;
- 'Steady' Dave McLintock, a prospector with bleak prospects - has a bounty of $50,000 on his head for the murder of Nick 'The Slasher' McGuirk back in Ohio.
- Timmy 'The Mick' O'Rourke, a bawdy Irishmen known to frequent the Cunny Warrens of Alabama. Frequently entertains the boys with songs from the old country, though his heart now lies firmly in Dixieland.
- Patrick 'Pategato' Gato, a drifter of mixed Spanish-Irish stock. Wanted in 17 states for a number of crimes, including beastiality and anal battery with murderous intent.
- Nathaniel 'Sully' Sullivan, a professional hustler from the Black Hills. His right eye was gouged out in a brawl with Frank James down Missouri way, but he maintains that he has 'one good eye left to shoot ya with'.
- Robert 'Huckle' Berry, the youngest of the group and possible arse minion of several;
- 'The Guinea' Fabricio Ciomo, a native of Monreale, Sicily. Cousin of New Orleans crime bosses, Carlo and Antonio Matranga, he came over in the 1880s and quickly made his name as an enforcer for the family. Thought to have been involved in the assassination of New Orleans police chief David Hennessy, though the subsequent angry mob-lynching of his fellow soldiers forced him to western pastures.
- Dello 'Dago' Ciomo, younger brother of Fabricio. Like his sibling, he served as a soldier in the Matranga family, though never quite enjoyed the same notoriety. Known for his business acumen, he hopes one day to found a casino, inspired by his recent visit to Arnold Rothstein's establishment in Manhattan.
- Numerous others whose names aren't important right now.
After Ike died - or, as some would have it, slain by his apprentice's hand - Virgil BarnDoor assumed control of the posse, renaming it the Cuntsboro Creek Gang, finally embracing his heritage and destiny. Over the next twenty or so years their ranks would swell as reports of their vicious and depraved antics spread far and wide. However, life was not always so good for the gang during this period. The sly rogue Johnny 'Alvin' Stardust was found balls-deep in Wyatt Earp's mother when the Earp brothers dragged him out back and lynched him; Alvin and BarnDoor went way back, and they say that to this day BarnDoor plans to come good on the promise he made to his dying friend - to wipe the Earp seed from the Earth. Beloved civil war veteran 'Old Man' Dundon's finally succumbed to tuberculosis in 1904, having taught the gang everything they knew about trapping beavers and badger buggery. Luke 'Fluke' McAskill and 'Huw' Solomon did not survive the disastrous raid on the ancestral family home of Thomas 'Stonewall' Jackson in West Virginia in 1899, as the gang were forced to make a fighting retreat once the Pinkertons were alerted to their arrival. The pair were captured and torn apart by wild horses, their remains fed to the Jackson family hogs.
Initiation into The Cuntsboro Creek Gang
The rite of initiation into the Cuntsboro Creek Gang is a long and arduous one. Virgil BarnDoor, as acting leader of the gang, looks only for the sickest, vilest and blood-thirstiest of men to expand his ranks. Talking the talk is not merely enough for this man, you must prove it first hand.
Cornelius Johnson was BarnDoor's first recruit as leader. With a reputation for hatred of the Negro community and a list of felonies as long as any desert snake, Jonno believed his place with the Cuntsboro Creek Gang was a certainty. However Barndoor rejected his initial approach and sent him on his way, insisting he proved himself.
Johnson returned to camp no less than 10 days after being denied his goal. Pulling into town on the back of a stage coach, he threw down a swollen bag, bloodied and dirty, onto the steps outside of "The Fist Inn", the saloon of choice in Cuntsboro. With no emotion on his face, he began to point at and name everything that fell to the ground. During his time away, Johnson had rode north to Tennessee, a state known for its amicable relations with its large Negro population, and proceeded to amass a collection of heads; man, woman, and child.
10 people suffered due to Johnson's insatiable hunger to join the gang, and BarnDoor saw in this man's eyes the soulless and emotionless human being he needed as his right hand man. On one hand impressed with this man's relentless attitude, while on the other concerned by his lust for chaos, BarnDoor welcomed him into the fold.
Every member of the Crew has a tale to tell - most not as interesting as this however.
Virgil BarnDoor's Journal
20th May, 1911:
Met up with Dan Clifton down in a small border town; can't recall it's name. Had a run-in with the local law and were forced to flee. Hijacked a stagecoach - which we later crashed - before an unexpected reunion with Frank Sweey down Pike Basin's way. There we chanced upon some trouble in the canyon with a wiley posse; Dan was stricken in the leg but we blazed our way through, destroying their ammo reserves for good measure. We had trouble getting out and lost Frank but myself and Dan eventually found the tracks and followed them along to Tall Trees.
Neither have us had been up this way before; I'd heard tell of bears up in these parts, but good Lord I never knew there would be some many of the damn bastards. As we entered Bearclaw we happened upon a rider being attacked. We both left our mounts and drew our weapons to help the man, but they were on us like flies on shit. Dan was forced back to the edge of the ledge while I withdrew to get a shot at the bear coming at him. But out of nowhere two more come from behind me and make straight for Dan! I could do nothing but watch as my friend was set upon and sent backwards over the cliff along with the two behemoths. I was forced to wipe away the tears and act fast as the one still up there turned his attentions to myself; nothing a couple of shotgun blasts couldn't fix (my first Grizzly kill - never claimed the hide though, much to my regret). Unfortunately the carcass toppled over the ledge and landed on my friend. I got myself down there and managed to get Dan mounted on a horse, but we took a wrong turn down by the basin and were set upon by foxes and wolves. Forced upwards into the woods, we eventually came to Neketi Rock, and journeyed upwards. At the summit I hoped to find help for the ailing Dan, but we came across something truly sinister: a cave, strewn with devoured carcasses and a stench that I'd be damned if it wasn't the foulest thing I ever smelled. Clearly something monstrous dwells in these parts, and as night drew close we didn't want to stick around to find out what it was. We found refuge at the small outpost of Manzanita, where Dan was able to get medical aid. With God's help, he'll survive the night. Tomorrow, I plan on rounding up the boys and going back up to that God-forsaken cave. Legends in these parts tell of a terrible creature called the Sasquatch, half-ape, half-man, all-beast. Whatever it is we'll have to stock up on ammo and supplies, and brace ourselves for an almighty struggle.
- Virgil BarnDoor
- Cornelius 'Jonno' Johnson
- Michael 'Snatch-Brander' Burke
- Frank 'Don' Sweey
- 'Great' Scott Claiborne
- 'Polski Sklep' Stanislofski
- Ezekiel 'Black' Coffee
- 'Handsome' Dan Clifton
- Rab 'Mullet' Taylor
- Miguel 'Miggy' Santiago Ramirez
- Dale 'Dollars' Chapman
- 'Steady' Dave McLintock
- Timmy 'The Mick' O'Rourke
- Patrick 'Pategato' Gato
- Nathaniel 'Sully' Sullivan
- Robert 'Huckle' Berry
- 'The Guinea' Fabricio Ciomo
- Dello 'Dago' Ciomo